#34: Unpacking and Healing Generational Trauma with Alyssa Scarano
MAY 22, 2025
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Join host Anna as she talks with therapist Alyssa Scarano about healing generational trauma. Discover how childhood experiences shape our beliefs and relationships, and how these patterns get passed down through families.
Alyssa explains what generational healing really means and shares how trauma creates survival strategies that might have helped us as kids but now hold us back as adults. Learn to spot signs of generational trauma in your life and get practical steps for healing that start with self-awareness and self-compassion.
Perfect for anyone looking to break free from inherited patterns and build healthier relationships—starting with yourself.
Episode Links:
Transcript
Anna: Hello friends and welcome to Courage to Heal. Today I am very excited to be talking about generational trauma and healing with Alyssa Scarano. Alyssa is a licensed professional counselor and the founder of The Collective Therapy and Wellness, known for her empathetic and compassionate approach.
Alyssa used her work as a profound privilege, an opportunity to be invited into the most intimate and vulnerable parts of her client's lives. To offer unwavering support and grace specializing in relationships. Alyssa's dedicated to helping individuals heal from childhood trauma, break generational patterns and cultivate meaningful, authentic connections by first fostering a compassionate relationship with themselves.
Alyssa, welcome to Courage to Heal.
Alyssa: Thank you, Anna. I'm so excited to be here.
Anna: All right. I'm so excited to have you and I talked to my husband about it and he contributed a question today, so that's gonna be great. But perhaps we can get started with you telling me just a little bit about yourself and why you are so passionate about helping people heal from trauma and break generational patterns.
Alyssa: Yeah, of course. So I love helping people in their relationships. I mean, it goes back to my, I think, fundamental philosophy around all of this. And I can answer it both questions really with it is like everything begins within. Right. And so what I mean by that is if we are healing from our own past trauma and we all have some version of it, right?
Like maybe at different intensities and different severities, or it affects our lives, you know, differently, but we, none of us come out on the. Scathed from any of this. And when we think about trauma in this way, it's really the narratives that we learn about ourselves or about the world around us through our experiences when we're young.
And so when we're talking about relationships, I think first and foremost, we're talking about the relationship that we have with ourselves. And so in order, the way that I see it is that in order to, you know, improve the connections that we share amongst one another, we really have to improve the relationship that we have with ourselves, the way we relate to our own emotions or, you know, what we do with them. And so one of the things that I love about the work that I do is how empowering it is to connect people to themselves. And so, yeah, that's why I really do this work is I see it as an opportunity to not just heal from the past, but to also create, you know, a more fulfilling future.
Anna: Hmm. Oh, I love that I, you took the words right out of my mouth, because that's how I would describe how I work too, is to work on your relationship with yourself first before working on your relationship with others. So I love how you describe that. Thank you so much for sharing that.
Alyssa: Yeah, and it's an age old thing, right?
Is that they say, like, you hear it in movies, you hear, you know, people tell you when you're young, like, you have to be with yourself first. You have to love yourself first. And you know it, it probably sounds like, okay, yeah, I've heard that a thousand times. But I think, you know, the way you can think about it is like, even if you find yourself, like in a position of like judging yourself, judging someone else, or comparing yourself to other people, it's like.
That judgment begins within. There's something about ourselves that we're objecting to you know, accept or thinking that it's bad or wrong. So I think it's, it's about how we understand ourselves really within the world. I.
Anna: I couldn't agree more. Absolutely. And Alyssa, so I said that my husband contributed a question because I was really excited about recording this episode with you.
So I told him about it. He's not a therapist, he's an engineer. And his first question was “Generational healing… what does that mean?” So maybe you could delve into that a little bit and tell me what do we mean by generational healing? Breaking generational patterns?
Alyssa: Absolutely. Yeah. And so it begins with, you know, early learnings about who we are, right?
And even in terms of. You know who we are in relationships. I am loved when I'm performing, or I am loved as long as I'm fitting this role or doing this thing right. Within my family dynamic, we develop these narratives or beliefs about ourself, our worth. And sometimes we even carry on certain roles for, that we watched or witnessed our parents carry on, right?
So if you are a an adult of, you know. Adult child of parents who. You know, got divorced. Or let's say you had an over-functioning parent who you know, maybe didn't ask for help, you could inadvertently or unconsciously create, recreate that pattern in your future family dynamic. Or even if you don't go on to have a family of your own, maybe in your relationships with people in your life, like you are the one who's.
Taking on the burden or taking responsibility for things that aren't fully yours or not asserting yourself, like where did that learning come from or that limitation of like, I can't invite somebody in or ask for help or, even this idea of maybe I can't trust other people, right? If you had experiences of not being able to rely on or ask anybody for help.
And so generational trauma or healing from generational trauma is being aware of what these patterns are, recognizing them, how they have affected us, but knowing that that's not the whole story and that doesn't have to continue with me or with my children.
Anna: Yeah. And that, that's, that holds a lot of power, doesn't It is knowing that, yes, I come with this, for lack of a better word, baggage, but I don't have to continue passing it on.
Mm-hmm. I can actually do something about it and stop it. Right where it is. And my children don't have to carry the same burden.
Alyssa: Yeah, exactly. Mm-hmm. And I think there's so many different really interesting facets of looking at this. Like, the truth is, it's it, you know, I, I think the first and foremost thing that's important to share is like, I.
We might learn these things about ourselves, right? About our own habits, patterns, views, narratives, or behaviors and relationships. We learn these things about ourselves and like something that, something, something that comes up often is like shame around them. Like, how could I should have known better?
Or, you know, I saw my mom go through this, how come like I'm doing the same thing? And in reality it's like, well, part of this is like just. So hardwired. And the other part is these learnings. There's something we get out of them, which is why we continue to engage in them. Right? And the other piece of it is, at one point that story.
You know, it functioned for a reason. Maybe it was what allowed you to survive your family dynamic growing up. Maybe it was, you know, your parents' method of survival. And so that's what you know and that's what you're carrying on in your own life. So even giving that story a little bit of grace or respect that, you know what, thank you.
You helped me get through maybe some really hard times when I had no other choice, but it's not, it doesn't have to be relevant anymore unless I want it to be.
Anna: Hmm. Yeah. Again, that, that theme of choice and power mm-hmm. That you get to have over it. And I love that you are talking about taking the shame out of it and explaining it by saying, look, that was a survival strategy that you had to develop.
Or maybe your parents, your grandparents, had to develop. And let's just remove the shaming, whether it's coming from yourself or from others around it and say, you did what you had to do at that time and you don't have to do it anymore, right? Yes.
Alyssa: Yeah. And really, I think we talk about trauma, right?
Typically, I think in the larger, you know, maybe community we, we think of trauma as well. Witnessing or being a victim of violence or witnessing combat or participating in combat. Right. And I'm sure you know too, like that's okay. Yes, maybe that's an acute big trauma. But trauma is anything that rewires the brain, you know, that rewires the brain into a new learning system or belief system that maybe at the time is really helpful for survival.
But in the long term, it's just not. It's not being helpful anymore. It's causing other problems. And you know, in that sense, what we're talking about here is belief systems. You know?
Anna: Mm, mm-hmm. Yeah. I love that definition of trauma as it's something that rewires our belief systems. It rewires our nervous systems and it, yeah, it just gives us this set of patterns and beliefs that may not be helpful anymore.
I like to tell my clients that this survival strategy developed has an expiration date, and we're past that date now, and we need to. Tell your system that, hey, it's time to develop something else. Give your system that freedom. Yeah.
Alyssa: Yeah. And I, I can't tell you where I read this or heard it. And I, maybe you've heard this before too in terms of conceptualizing trauma, it's like, you know, we all go through life.
Like I said, we have these vulnerabilities and part of it's just being human in and of itself. So we have this vulnerability and then we go through this. Thing. Right. That's really challenging and maybe it surpasses our. Current level of understanding or coping or just it's beyond our threshold at the time.
And where we get stuck is like, maybe even in the afterward. We don't have the, the support to carry us over that hump. So we get stuck right in the middle. And in that middle, what happens is we actually inadvertently, without realizing it. Recreate the trauma and then now it's just everywhere. It's in every relationship, or it's at work interpersonally, or it's amongst friends or it's at home or when you look in the mirror, right?
And so it's about getting over that hump or breaking through that stuck point so that instead of it being now everywhere I am back in control. And on the other side of it in sure it might come up again. But I'm not stuck in it.
Anna: Yeah. Yeah, that's definitely a huge piece of trauma recovery is getting past that stuckness, and I love that you addressed the part where you may not have had support.
At the time the trauma occurred and right afterwards because like, you know, what, what affects how we react to trauma? It's part of it is our internal stuff, internal systems, our nervous system, how, what kind of capacity it has to cope with what's happening. And the other part is what kind of support do you have on the outside?
And again, I think it goes back to maybe giving yourself some grace. Understanding that you had to cope with something really significant without having proper support for it. And of course you develop these new, you know, sets of beliefs, of course you develop these patterns that may not be helpful anymore.
Alyssa: Yeah, yeah. Like, you know, we don't go into life like knowing all the, the things, right. Or even being able to anticipate all of the things. So the grace is a really big part for sure.
Anna: Yeah. And you know, I'm even thinking, because earlier you kind of alluded to common themes that might be happening with generational patterns, like not being able to ask for help, not being able to trust people.
And this theme of, like I have to be perfect or I have to figure it all out on my own without having people support. I think that's part of those patterns that develop early on.
Alyssa: Yes, exactly. So like relational trauma. Right. To get really clear, for anyone who's listening out there is like relational trauma is.
Who I am in the world or in relationships. That story that you might tell our tell yourself the story. We all have different versions of them, right? And it's like whether it's some version of not good enough or I am bad, I am wrong, there's something wrong with me. And it can show up in terms of, yeah, I'm only loved when I'm performing at this level.
Right when I'm winning. Like, I know that one shows up a lot in for, for men where sports and even academics, maybe amongst women as well. And that's just, I'm not just meaning to put it in boxes, but I see it a lot with like sports families, right. I I am loved or I was, I felt love when I won a game.
You know, and then when I didn't win a game, I was yelled at, I was talked down to, I was shamed. And so I learned that love is transactional, right? In that way, when I am performing and I'm performing well another version of it is. Yeah, I, I can't ask for help or I'm being a nag if I say that I'm upset about something.
My, there's no space for my feelings. And, you know, it's, it's interesting how some of this shows up too. 'cause it, it can even show up around themes, like around money, right? If your parents maybe struggled financially, that becomes a story in terms of like. Money is always going to be a struggle where money is only good, you know, valid or it will only come to me if I work really hard or I'm not deserving of that salary or whatever it is.
So, you know, it comes up around really what I think ultimately at the core is it's a worth.
Anna: Hmm. Oh, I love that you just brought that up. Partially because I just recorded a, a solo episode on self-worth and inner child work, and I couldn't agree more that it all goes back to self-worth. That, that sense of, are you, do you inherently have worth, do you believe yourself to be worthy of unconditional love and unconditional positive regard from others?
Or do you believe that you have to do something special, perform somehow show off somehow in order to earn that love that you have to earn it?
Alyssa: Yeah, I think a really great one is not great. One, but one to speak to is. Amongst the neurodivergent community. Right. I am only accepted when I mask. Mm-hmm.
When I do these things, when I look normal or neurotypical. Right. And, and yeah, it's, it's rewriting that narrative, finding people that accept you, that value you and sticking, you know, with those relationships and making sure that you're treating yourself in the same way.
Anna: Oh yeah. The, the good old treating yourself like you would a good friend rather than maybe the way your parents treated you or, or somebody in your past.
Alyssa: And yeah, I mean, it all sounds bumper stickery 'cause we've all heard it a thousand times. And I think the reality is until, you know, when, when it's so close to us. We sometimes can't recognize, like when it's coming up, like being able to differentiate or discern, like, is that really what's happening?
Is this, is this trauma or is this just me? Because you're, you can be so far deep into it because it's been maybe repeated or reinforced for years, so yeah. Yeah.
Anna: Yeah, that I think a lot goes to say, right, if you are raised with a certain level of trauma and to you that becomes your normal that, yeah, I have encountered people who will show up and say, oh, my childhood was fine.
It, it was, you know, your regular average American childhood. And then as I start digging into, okay, what, what do you remember your parents reading to you at night? What were you told when you came home and you brought home a B rather than an A from your class? Little, you know, investigations of. The specifics, that's when they start to open up and say, “Oh, oh gosh. Yeah, I, I was yelled at a lot. But that's normal. Right?”
And again, questioning what is normal, really, what, what is, is there really any kind of standard? And how can you tell that what you went through is really traumatic, is that it overwhelmed that capacity to cope and created these negative beliefs about yourself and the world.
Alyssa: And a question I like to ask, when you reflect back on your childhood and you remember those little snippets of like, I got yelled at when I brought home a bee, or when I lost a cane, or if I spoke up and I like inadvertently started a fight, like it was my fault. Right. What did you feel like if you had to put yourself back in your, in your shoes back at that age, however old you were, what did you feel at the time?
And if you can't even place that, right, because sometimes that's hard to really even connect to how might you have felt or how might someone else at that age, like if you were witnessing it, or if you have a child or a niece or a nephew or someone that's younger than you and they were in that position, what do you think they might have felt?
Right. That I think is an indication of like, okay, well if maybe I felt. Scared in those instances like I had to change or a sense of urgency or fear like, okay, then how did that maybe affect future like school performance or athletic performance or if I had a problem with something as a kid and speaking up, and then what about now as an adult, if I have something that I need to assert myself with, can I do that?
Like what comes up around that Kind of getting curious. With yourself. And it's very, it's, it's about making a switch, I think, from being judgmental. I smile as I say that word, but yeah, rather than being judgmental or negatively labeling ourselves or dismissing or rejecting, right. Getting curious like, hmm, let me, let me think about that and what comes up from there.
And that can be scary to do too. So recognizing that it's not just like the easiest thing in the world to do. And it's sometimes I, I don't know about you, but I've found that my clients don't always have answers to these questions. Mm, mm-hmm. So that's
Anna: Absolutely, yeah. Absolutely. I, that's very relatable as a therapist to hear, you know, to be asking those questions.
And for so many clients of ours, it was never safe to feel in the first place. So they, you ask them, you know, how did that make you feel? How did you feel at the time of. Of that event happening, they might have no idea because it was never safe to be able to actually feel the emotions or to show the emotions.
So I love that question of just gently exploring that and saying, you know, how would somebody else in your shoes feel? Do you think that's, I'm gonna steal that one from you.
Alyssa: It's all yours. Take it. Yeah. And I think that's okay too, right? If at the time, if, if you're asking yourself these things or you're in therapy and your therapist is asking you those things and you don't have the answers, like, that's okay too.
It's worth giving yourself grace around like, 'cause why, why, why don't I, you know, that's significant in and of itself. I might go through my whole day and know like, okay, today was a good day, or, yeah, my boss really pissed me off today, or my spouse or whomever. I can recognize those feelings, but in. This situation, I can't.
Anna: Yeah. Yeah. That curiosity, right? Getting curious about what's happening for me right now, why that might be happening for me, knowing what I know about my background, and you know, like everything we're talking about now where we're kind of highlighting what some of the, you know.
After effects of, of upbringing that that's less than ideal might be. I wonder, you know, how can people tell, other than some obvious knowledge about it, that they have generational trauma maybe coming not just from their parents, but their grandparents or great-grandparents. In your experience, do you find that there are some telltale signs of having generational trauma?
Alyssa: Yeah. In terms of relationships, right? Is, is that what you mean? Mm-hmm. So I think right, telltale signs are gonna be the things that you can see, right? The things that you can more intensely feel, right? So when you think about a conflict, maybe, no, none of us are immune to even those, right?
Whether it's at work or amongst friends or family or spouse, even with our children, right? If you notice a very strong reaction or shut down, right, it's one of the two. The, the fight flight. I will even keep it at that. The fight or flight. If you notice that like all of a sudden I feel like I need to like curl inward and you know, hide or end this conversation or run away, or if I feel like I need to be on the defense, I need to fight this, you know.
That's a pretty big indication that there's something bigger going on. And then if you start to notice patterns as well, like whenever this topic comes up, this is how I might respond to it. I'm noticing that that's a little bit of a theme, right? Or maybe you have that narrative that's often playing in your head that surrounds not good enough, or fear of being bad or wrong, like noticing that there's, there's like a pattern.
That comes up, you know, that's gonna be, I think, an indication that, okay, this comes from somewhere deeper. 'cause it continues to show its face, especially during times of challenge. But I would say that, that maybe the more easier way of recognizing it is going to be with those big reactions that, that we have sometimes to situations.
Anna: Yeah. I hear you. Because what I'm hearing you say is that a lot of it is in our bodies. Right that, that, how do you react in a situation that might be. Either objectively scary or may not be objectively scary, but you feel scared. How does your body react? Like you even mentioned curling up on yourself or wanting to run away.
And you know, as they say from after the book was written, the body keeps. The score. So I, I definitely agree with that, that the body's going to be one of the key components here of finding out, okay, what really happened for me 1, 2, 3 more generations ago.
Alyssa: Another one too, that I see often. I'd love to know what your experience is, 'cause it sounds like we do a lot of the same work too.
Mm-hmm. When you notice, maybe something happens, it doesn't go your way or something disappointing happens. And the strong or loud, you know, self-talk is yelling at yourself. Mm. Or berating yourself, or shaming yourself or. You know, really beating yourself up, you know, that anger really turned inward. I think it's also a really good indication because that self-talk, all of our self-talk really comes from, I don't wanna say all of it.
A lot of our self-talk right, comes from the way that our caregivers, the people who were closest to us, spoke to us when we were young, and then again throughout our lives and then whatever was reinforced us. Over and over and over based upon our performance in the world. So when that, if that comes up, that's an indication as well, a way that you, we talk to ourselves.
Anna: Yeah, I definitely find that in my work too, that for people who have a very intense, very strong inner critic that, like you said, might be yelling at them, might be calling them names or shaming them. I mean, that comes from somewhere that usually is an internalized voice that you heard growing up.
Maybe it was directed at you. Maybe you heard it directed at people close to you and not you directly, but you learn that somewhere generally it doesn't just appear out of nowhere. That kind of strong inner critic.
Alyssa: Yeah. Yeah. And you know, the more we talk about it too, the more I'm like remembering all these other ones.
'cause I don't just necessarily have them all in my back pocket at all times. But there's another one too that's like if you find that you, even unconsciously without realizing it, like, apologize, I. For, you know, someone bumps into you and you say, I'm sorry, or apologize for being cold or hungry, or needing to step away, or just in general, like, why?
Why did I apologize there? Or I'm always apologizing. What is that about? Like that? That could also be an indication as well.
Anna: Yeah. Yeah, I think that's a good one too. I know that I was guilty of that with my upbringing is over apologizing and then having to learn to say thank you for your flexibility and understanding, rather than I'm sorry for X, Y, Z.
So yeah, that one hits close to home and I can absolutely see it in my clients too. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay, so Alyssa, then how do we start to heal all of this generational baggage? Because I believe you say that there are certain steps that people can take towards that healing.
Alyssa: So I think the first part, right, is slowing down, connecting with yourself, right?
And becoming aware, right? So if we are talking about like, as if you're driving down a familiar road, right? You're gonna get to know the turns of, of the road and maybe what the road conditions look like. So what we're looking to do is. Get to know like maybe where the potential cracks in the road are, right?
Or potholes, right. This way we can kind of be aware of what the narrative it is or what the road looks like. So if it comes up, we can catch it, interrupt it, and maybe decide on something new and what that requires of us. 'cause we're not looking outside of ourselves, we're looking inward. So what that requires us to do is to connect with ourselves.
It is to take the time to do the check-in, how am I feeling? And that can look like a bunch of different things. Maybe it looks like journaling or maybe it looks like taking some time in the quiet. Anything that allows you to shut off all of the noise. And we do have to. Kind of listen to our own noise, but without attaching to it, without judging ourselves.
And that can be tricky. So sometimes that's might be where we need a little bit of help. And then from there, I think, you know, if we're talking about curiosity, I. Right. Looking at what shows up emotionally, what is this emotion trying to tell me? Even if it is, I'm angry with myself, right? Let's just start at where we are at the beginning.
I'm angry with myself, okay? What is that anger telling me about what I need? Maybe I need a little bit of kindness. Okay. Can I show that to myself, right? Like, what can I do to be a little bit kinder? Even if it's just a matter of like telling yourself all. Alyssa, chill out. It's gonna be okay. Even if I don't believe it yet.
Even just recognizing like that's what I need right now is a little bit of kindness. Maybe I can even just back off or lower the volume of the yelling that I'm doing it myself. Yeah. So getting curious around. You know what it is that I'm feeling and what is it that I need in order to, you know, move forward in this moment.
Not that we have to fix the whole world or the whole history of things, but in this moment right now, what do I need that maybe I'm not getting or I haven't had, and how do I give that to myself? Is it a matter of like, I do need to ask for help. Okay, who can I ask for help from right now? Doesn't have to be, you know, that old, that person from my past that I couldn't rely on, but maybe there is one person around me that I can lean on.
And then from there, yeah, I think it's a matter of practicing something that can offer you a little bit of grace. You know, a little bit of space between the, what the normal reaction is and invite in some ease where it's just been maybe a battle. Hmm mm-hmm.
Anna: I love that. Journey you just described and kind of journey in three steps, right?
With the first one being self-awareness, like asking yourself, what am I feeling? What is happening for me? Then the second one being curiosity. What is this emotion trying to tell me what kind of and unmet need is there? And then the last one is actually trying to fulfill that need in some way.
Whether by giving yourself grace, giving yourself more space, maybe just taking a breath or two, whatever it is that you need in that moment. So in a way, it's like knowing what you need or you know, trying your best to know what you need. 'cause again, not everybody's gonna know and then honoring that need.
Alyssa: Yes. Yeah, because back then, right when that story started or was reinforced, there was a need that went unmet, right? I was disappointed by that game or that grade, or someone at school was yelling at me or someone was yelling at home, and I was a kid who didn't have a voice, and I didn't know how to cope with that thing that happened back then.
So back then I needed that and I need it now. And I was in the position where I didn't have a choice. I do now.
I was powerless then, but I'm not powerless now.
Anna: Oh, I, I love that you bring up the powerlessness because I would say that for my clients the two hardest things that we have to fight together are helplessness or powerlessness, and then hopelessness.
Yeah. You know, so feeling powerless or helpless about their capacity to heal all this trauma that happened to them and feeling hopeless about how long it might take, or whether it's possible at all. So I wonder if you encounter that helplessness and hopelessness, and if so, just how do you approach that?
Alyssa: Yeah. Well I think, you know, one way that I approach it is when it does come up like that sense of, you know, powerlessness or hopelessness. Something that I typically explore is like, okay, as much as we recognize that this is not helpful, right? Mm-hmm. Going back to that basic of this was a learned response, I.
This was a survival response, a protective response. We needed it at some point and there's something we get out of it. Even our most unhealthy behaviors. Not that like we're consciously choosing this unhealthy pattern. No, but there's something that we get out of staying in it. Hmm. What are you potentially getting out of staying in that pattern?
Is it, I know what to expect. Control because I know what might happen, and that's, even though it sucks, it's less scary. Right. And maybe I was scared then, and I don't know how to deal with fear on my own right. But I think if there's that hopelessness or helplessness or powerlessness and there's a real just brick wall, we can't get through it.
Okay. What's reinforcing this idea that this pattern must stay and rolling with that and seeing where we get.
Anna: Yeah, I, I agree that that's such an important step is asking yourself, am I in some way gaining something or keeping the status quo out of, you know, what I've been through and what I continue to, to be through?
Like what is the secondary gain in some way? Which I know might be like a really strange way to think about it because it may seem obvious that, of course I wanna get rid of all of these symptoms. I don't wanna be with this pain anymore. But often there is something holding us there. I.
Alyssa: Yeah. Yeah. And I can give an example of like maybe how that might show up if it's like not too clear.
'cause again, I don't think this is something that we're consciously choosing. That's something I wanna like be very upfront about. Like, I don't, 'cause, 'cause like you said, we, we know that we don't feel good in this position. We, we even like, hate that this is a here where here's where I am again or see nothing's changing or I don't have a choice yet.
Right. But the thing is, is that if we're talking about, okay, there's something sustaining this, right? Saying that we're talking about an over-functioning parent, right? Doing all of the tasks, not asking for help feeling really alone, depleted, burnt out, and exhausted. That's a really common. Scenario that I think a lot of parents find themselves in.
Absolutely. Now, maybe that same parent goes on to like resent their partner. And that pattern of behavior might also be learned because that's what my mom or dad did, right? And I can't ask for help. I ask for help. I'm weak, or I'm not good enough, or, you know, I'm being a burden. So I don't wanna be that burden.
But what I'm getting out of not asking for help is I don't. Have to worry about being vulnerable with someone. Yeah. And being disappointed because they don't show up for me. 'cause as a kid, nobody showed up for me, even though like I called out for help. And that disappointment can be really big to relive.
So the protective mechanism is like, I can't, I can't have that abandonment happen again. So the secondary gain in that example is, yeah, I don't, I don't have to open myself up to be vulnerable and trust someone. Again, we have to give that part space because yeah, you were hurt and you were abandoned. Yeah.
Anna: Yeah. I love that example. I think it's so clear that, yeah, like if you, if you have the sense of I have to do it all myself, that. Maybe that's because you could never rely on other people growing up, and you learned that you were the only person who would be there for you.
Alyssa: Mm-hmm. Yeah, and we can't, you know, I, I truly feel like if that's the example like we're working with, right?
We can't necessarily just be like, okay, like just choose another thing, right? That's like almost dismissing that deeper secondary gain that's keeping that pattern in place. We have to give that space to like that little boy or girl who didn't. Have who was disappointed, who was maybe abandoned in scenarios where they did need help.
We have to acknowledge that little boy and in that pattern because it wasn't seen he or she wasn't seen in that.
Anna: So, absolutely. Yeah. That, that does need to be respected and honored. You can't just tell somebody to break out of that pattern, you know, and, and not give it any. Do respect. Yeah. So Alyssa, that makes me wanna ask, you know, what does it look like on the other side?
How might someone's life begin to feel or look different once they've actually done some work and started to rewrite some of that generational narrative?
Alyssa: Yeah. So the end result you mean? Or like when they know change is happening. Okay. So. It, what it looks like is there's a difference in behavior. Like I'm no longer maybe isolating maybe I'm putting myself out into the world.
Maybe I'm saying out loud, like I'm hot and not apologizing for that, or I'm cold and not apologizing for that, or not feeling shameful for having needs, physical needs. It can look like. Asserting yourself asserting boundaries, speaking up at work meetings. It could be as, as maybe what's seemingly minute as that, right?
It could be telling your boss, I appreciate this assignment, but you know, right now it's a little too much with all these other things. Which ones do you need first? Instead of just saying, yes, okay. Keep giving it to me. Right? And so it, it could mean that you have ultimately, I think, more autonomy. Over what you allow in and what you decide stays out and how you want to respond in your, in your decision making or what's right in front of you.
Anna: Oh, I love that. Yeah. So really noticing changes to how you establish boundaries, whether they're internal, like you said, you know, maybe not apologizing for needing a break. You know, if you're out with friends and you're like, I just need a snack and a break, and not saying I'm sorry about that, or those external boundaries where you say, no, I'm.
You know, I'm not gonna people please right now by taking all of these things on like I normally would. I am actually going to honor that voice that says this is enough. Right? Right. Hmm. Okay. Well, Alyssa, I love talking with you about generational healing and all of the trauma that can result from growing up and you know, with parents who don't give you that unconditional love, unconditional positive regard.
I wonder if there's anything that maybe we didn't mention that you think is important to mention. I just wanna give you some space to talk to, anything we may have missed.
Alyssa: Yeah, absolutely. I think the other side of the coin, right, is like. If you, you know, we're talking about childhood trauma and it can co, it can bring up a lot when we're exploring that.
It can bring up a lot towards our parents, towards our childhood. Right. Maybe anger that was turned inward that we never could have toward our family members for whatever reason. Right? Or we're afraid to be angry about things that happened or to grieve the things that we didn't get as a kid. And part of sometimes what, what.
We struggle with is allowing ourselves to have all of our feelings about everything that happened because it would mean like, I can't have this relationship I really ultimately want with what always wanted with my parents. Mm-hmm. And while I can't say that won't always be the end result, like maybe that is what's best for you as a, as a.
Human in the world is to have, you know, closed doors to really unhealthy dynamics. But also, maybe it is even just an invitation to invite in grace because generational patterns of behavior begin well before your parents, well before our parents. And it is often the case that regardless of the scenario parents are.
Doing the best that they can with what they have and know at the time, and based on their own learnings or lack of learnings maybe, of how to respond in these scenarios that doesn't excuse behavior, right. It allows us to kind of put our foot down and say, confidently, I'm not going to allow you to talk to me like that or treat me this way.
But it at least does allow us to. Not hold on to that anger either, right? We can be angry, but we don't have to carry it around with us either every day, all day.
Anna: Yeah, I love that. You know, 'cause we've, we've mentioned so much that can be defined as self-compassion, that given yourself grace being kind to yourself, changing your self-talk.
And now you're talking about having compassion for others, even people who may have been your trauma perpetrators not to let them off the hook, but to be able to let go. Yeah.
Alyssa: Mm-hmm.
Anna: Okay. Well, Alyssa, I love how much compassion you have towards people you work with and just how much softness you have towards all of these patterns that come again, not as our clients fault, but something that happened to them.
So please tell my listeners what kind of services do you offer and how can they work with you. Thank
Alyssa: you so much Anna. So I am a virtual private practice owner. We have multiple clinicians on staff and we service clients in multiple states, which is really exciting. So we see clients that are physically located in Florida, in New York, New Jersey, and Texas.
Oh, and Missouri as well. And our practice is really very special because we don't. We don't leave out the whole person in our care, right? So we have wellness services that are available to current clients at no additional cost. So what that actually looks like is wellness workshops, wellness events self-love groups, self-compassion groups meditation and mindfulness trainings.
And we're even bringing on a nutritionist very soon, which will be exciting. And then there's, you know, opportunities to continue relationships with those coaches who are professionally trained within their respective fields. These are people who are registered yoga teachers or certified mindfulness meditation teachers.
Certified nutritionists. So these are professionals of, and expert experts in their respective fields. And we collaborate with one another to make the care. Fully, you know, mind, body, spirit based as well. We ultimately wanna create a even if it's on a virtual space. A place where people can come to and feel like they belong, like they're wrapped in love and grace and support.
And we've got you from every angle. We're here and we wanna help. And so, you know, if you're interested, you can find us online at where the Collective Therapy and Wellness, and it's www.collectivetherapy.com.
Anna: Wonderful. I'll make sure to link that in the show notes for anybody who is interested in checking that out.
And I love that holistic approach, just addressing mind, body, spirit. We need more of that today.
Alyssa: Thank you. I appreciate it.
Anna: And Alyssa, thank you so much for stopping by and talking about generational healing today. It was a pleasure. Thank you so much for having me. All right. And for all of you listening, I hope you leave feeling a little more empowered.
Remember, healing takes time and you're exactly where you need to be. Take care of yourselves, and until we meet again, be kind to your heart.
