#32: When Your Parents Never Grew Up: Finding Your Way to Emotional Freedom
MAY 1, 2025
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In this heartfelt episode, Anna explores the challenging dynamics of emotionally immature parents and provides practical guidance for healing.
Discover the four types of emotionally immature parents, recognize common patterns from childhood that might be affecting your adult relationships, and learn effective boundary-setting techniques that preserve your well-being.
Whether you're experiencing parentification, emotional neglect, or struggling with attachment issues stemming from your upbringing, this episode offers compassionate insights and actionable strategies for reclaiming your emotional health.
Perfect for anyone looking to transform their relationship with parents while practicing essential self-care and "reparenting" techniques. Includes resources and recommended reading from trauma-informed therapy perspectives.
Episode Links:
Transcript
Anna: Hey there, beautiful souls! Welcome back to another episode of the Courage to Heal podcast. I'm Anna Khandrueva, your trauma-informed therapist and guide through life's more challenging relationships.
Today, we're diving into something many of you have messaged me about - understanding and coping with emotionally immature parents. Whether you're just beginning to recognize certain patterns in your upbringing or you've been working through these issues for years, this episode is for you.
Over the next hour, we'll explore what emotional immaturity in parents actually looks like (because trust me, it's not always obvious when you're living in it), how it might have affected you growing up, and most importantly - practical strategies for managing these relationships as an adult without sacrificing your own well-being.
So grab your favorite comfort drink, find a cozy spot, and maybe have your journal handy. Let's dive in.
Let's start by understanding what we mean by "emotionally immature parents." This isn't about labeling anyone as "bad" or "toxic" - that's not helpful. Many emotionally immature parents are genuinely doing their best with the emotional tools they have.
Simply put, emotionally immature parents are adults who struggle with regulating their emotions, handling stress in healthy ways, and meeting their children's emotional needs. Often, they're carrying their own unresolved emotional wounds from childhood.
Now, what does this actually look like in real life? Let me paint a picture with some common traits:
Emotionally immature parents tend to be rigid and single-minded. They often have a "my way or the highway" approach and can get incredibly defensive when challenged with different perspectives.
They typically have really low stress tolerance. When faced with difficulties, they might struggle to admit mistakes, discount facts that don't fit their narrative, and blame others instead of taking responsibility.
There's often a pattern of doing what feels easiest in the moment - following the path of least resistance rather than what might be best for their child in the long run.
Something that can be really painful is their lack of respect for different thoughts and opinions. If you grew up with this, you might have learned early on that your perspectives weren't valued unless they matched your parent's views.
There's usually a strong element of self-preoccupation. Their own needs, problems, and emotions take center stage, even when you're going through something significant.
Low empathy is another big one. They might struggle to truly understand or connect with your emotional experience, which can feel incredibly isolating when you're growing up.
Many emotionally immature parents also fear feelings - both their own and others'. They might have taught you explicitly or implicitly that certain emotions like anger, sadness, or even excitement are somehow shameful or "bad."
They tend to focus on physical needs rather than emotional ones. So you might have had your basic needs met - food, clothing, shelter - but emotional nurturing was missing.
Something I hear from clients a lot is that their parents were "killjoys" - responding to their enthusiasm or ideas with dismissal or skepticism. Like, imagine showing your parent something you're excited about and they immediately point out what's wrong with it.
And finally, emotionally immature parents often experience intense but shallow emotions. They might react dramatically in the moment but move on quickly without processing deeper feelings.
It's important to understand that emotional immaturity exists on a spectrum. Some parents might display these behaviors occasionally, while others show them consistently. And the behaviors themselves can range from simply dismissive to controlling or even manipulative.
Dr. Lindsay Gibson, who wrote the excellent book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents," identifies four main types of emotionally immature parents. See if any of these sound familiar to you.
First, there's the Emotional Parent. These parents are basically run by their feelings. They treat small problems like major catastrophes and often look to external things - maybe other people, alcohol, or shopping - to calm themselves down. If you had an emotional parent, you probably experienced them swinging between being way too involved in your life to suddenly withdrawing. They're unpredictable, and according to Dr. Gibson, they're considered the most infantile of the four types.
Then there's the Driven Parent. These parents often appear the most "normal" from the outside. They might even look super invested in their kids' lives. But here's the thing - they're controlling and interfering, rarely slowing down enough to truly connect emotionally. They're compulsively goal-oriented and busy all the time. And they typically expect everyone to value the same things they do. Maybe you had a parent who insisted you pursue certain activities or careers because that's what they thought was best, with little regard for your actual interests.
The third type is the Passive Parent. These parents avoid anything upsetting at all costs. They're often considered the "favorite" parent because they seem more emotionally available than the other types - but only up to a point. They rarely provide real guidance or boundaries to help you navigate the world. They tend to take a backseat to a more dominant partner, sometimes even allowing harmful situations to continue by looking the other way. Their coping mechanism is minimizing problems and just going along with things.
Finally, there's the Rejecting Parent. These parents mostly want to be left alone. They often rule the family with everyone walking on eggshells around them. Their interactions with their children mainly involve giving commands, blowing up, or isolating themselves. When you try to create emotional connection or show affection, they pull away. If you grew up with a rejecting parent, you probably learned early on not to expect warmth or engagement.
Now, here's something important - parents can show traits from multiple categories, and their behavior might change over time or in different situations. The goal of understanding these types isn't to box your parents in, but to help you make sense of your experiences.
Let's talk about what it actually feels like to grow up with emotionally immature parents, because recognizing these experiences is often the first step toward healing.
One of the most common experiences is a profound lack of emotional support. You may have felt fundamentally unseen or unheard as a child. Your emotional needs weren't acknowledged, much less met. Over time, this often leads to struggles with self-worth and persistent self-doubt. You might still hear that critical inner voice asking, "Is there something wrong with me?"
Many children of emotionally immature parents also experience role reversal, sometimes called "parentification." This is where you became the emotional caretaker for your parent, managing their feelings, providing comfort, or even handling adult responsibilities that weren't appropriate for your age. Maybe you were the "little adult" who everyone praised for being so mature - but inside, you were carrying burdens no child should have to bear.
Emotional neglect is another common experience. This isn't always obvious because it's about what didn't happen rather than what did. It's that hollow space where parental support should have been. You might have learned that your feelings weren't important or that you shouldn't express them at all.
Erratic behavior from parents can also leave lasting impacts. Parents who are unpredictable - loving one moment and distant or angry the next - create an environment where children never feel secure. You might have become hypervigilant, always scanning for changes in mood or potential conflicts.
And then there's the endless struggle for approval. Many children of emotionally immature parents describe feeling like they were constantly trying to earn love or attention but never quite succeeding. The goalposts were always moving.
These experiences don't just disappear when you grow up. They can have long-lasting impacts on how you move through the world as an adult.
You might notice attachment issues in your adult relationships - perhaps you're anxiously attached, always fearing abandonment, or avoidantly attached, keeping people at arm's length to protect yourself.
Low self-worth is another common challenge. When your emotional needs weren't validated as a child, you might struggle to believe you're worthy of love and respect as an adult.
Many adult children of emotionally immature parents also experience difficulties with emotional regulation. Maybe you feel emotions very intensely or have trouble identifying what you're feeling at all.
If you're listening and nodding along, you might also experience:
Lingering feelings of anger, loneliness, betrayal, or abandonment
Guilt about feeling unhappy, especially if your physical needs were met
Being highly sensitive and perceptive to other people's emotions - you learned to be an emotional detective as a survival skill
Difficulty trusting your own instincts or making decisions
Struggles with self-confidence
Feeling trapped in a caretaking role with your parents, even now
If any of this resonates with you, I want you to know that these responses made sense as adaptations to your environment growing up. They were survival strategies. But now, as an adult, you have the opportunity to develop new ways of relating - both to yourself and to your parents.
So how do you deal with emotionally immature parents as an adult? Let's talk practical strategies.
First, let's start with some self-preparation, because this work begins with you, not them.
The most important step might be managing your expectations. This can be hard to accept, but emotionally immature parents may never change significantly. They may never become the nurturing, emotionally available parents you deserved. Holding onto hope for dramatic change can keep you stuck in cycles of disappointment. Instead, try to focus on accepting them as they are while taking steps to protect your own emotional health.
Practicing self-compassion is absolutely crucial. Remind yourself regularly that your needs and feelings are valid, even if your parents couldn't recognize or meet them. It wasn't your fault. You deserved care and emotional attunement as a child, and you deserve it now.
Next, let's talk about boundaries - possibly the most powerful tool you have.
Boundaries are essential for protecting your emotional wellbeing in any relationship, but especially with emotionally immature parents. These aren't about controlling the other person; they're about clarifying what you will and won't accept in your interactions.
Some examples might include limiting conversation topics, setting time limits for visits or phone calls, or clearly defining what subjects are off-limits.
Having some boundary phrases ready can be really helpful. Try phrases like: "I'm not comfortable talking about that." "I need some time to think about that before I respond." "I can't help with that right now, but I hope you find what you need."
Remember, you don't need to justify or defend your boundaries. A simple, calm statement is enough.
Another helpful approach is emotional detachment - which doesn't mean you don't care about your parents. It means creating some emotional distance so their behavior affects you less.
Practice detaching with love. You can care about someone while still recognizing when their behavior is unhealthy for you.
Work on staying calm and centered during interactions. Deep breathing can help when you feel yourself getting triggered or reactive.
Develop some self-talk mantras for detachment. Things like "Their reaction is about them, not me," or "I am in control of my responses" can be anchoring.
Learning to reframe and manage conversations is another valuable skill.
When your parent brings up triggering or uncomfortable topics, practice redirection. You might say something like, "Let's focus on something positive instead," or "I'd rather hear about something new in your life."
You can also practice validation without over-engagement. This looks like acknowledging their feelings without getting drawn into drama or trying to fix things. For example: "I hear that this is hard for you," or "I understand that's your perspective on what happened."
Let's talk about responding to guilt trips and emotional manipulation, because these are common tactics of emotionally immature parents.
First, work on recognizing manipulation patterns. Common ones include guilt trips ("After all I've done for you..."), emotional blackmail ("If you really loved me, you would..."), or playing the victim.
Stay firm with your boundaries once you've set them. It can be tempting to give in when faced with emotional pressure, but consistency is key.
Have some response phrases ready, like: "I know you're disappointed, but this is what I need to do," or "I can see you're upset. I'm here if you need to talk, but I can't continue if it turns into blaming."
Finally, prioritize self-care and support.
Invest in building an emotional support network outside your family - whether that's friends, a partner, or a therapist. Having people who validate your experiences and provide the emotional connection you might not get from your parents is incredibly healing.
Develop self-care practices that help you process emotions and reduce stress. This might be journaling, meditation, exercise, or creative outlets.
And consider the practice of "reparenting" yourself - learning to meet your own emotional needs through self-compassion, mindfulness, and intentional care. Ask yourself: "What would a loving, attuned parent say to me right now?" and then offer that to yourself.
As we wrap up today's episode, I want to remind you that it's completely normal to feel conflicted about your relationship with emotionally immature parents. You can love them deeply while still acknowledging the ways they've hurt you. You can wish things were different while also accepting reality as it is. These complex feelings are all part of the journey.
Working through these experiences takes time, and healing isn't linear. Some days will be easier than others. But with consistent boundaries, self-compassion, and support, you can create a relationship with your parents that protects your well-being - whether that means limited contact, a transformed relationship, or something in between.
If you want to dig deeper into this topic, I highly recommend Dr. Lindsay Gibson's book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents." It's been life-changing for many of my clients.
And don't forget to check out the show notes for a link to a quiz that can help you determine if your parents show signs of emotional immaturity.
Thank you for sharing this space with me today. Remember - recognizing these patterns doesn't mean condemning your parents; it means freeing yourself from cycles that no longer serve you. You deserve that freedom.
I hope you leave this episode feeling a little more empowered. Remember, healing takes time, and you are exactly where you need to be. Take care of yourselves and until we meet again, be kind to your heart.
