Can EMDR Therapy Help You Heal After Infidelity?

Oct 6

A man and woman stand apart, looking away from each other with serious expressions. Overlaid text reads: Can EMDR therapy help you heal after infidelity? Website: couragetohealtherapy.com.

It’s 2 a.m., and you’re staring at the ceiling. Your partner is asleep next to you. A few days ago, you found the texts. Now your mind won’t stop replaying them, and your heart jumps every time their phone lights up.

Do you think your relationship is over after discovering your partner is having an affair?

If you’re feeling furious one minute and numb the next, you’re not overreacting. Your brain is doing its best to protect you after a deep betrayal. And you’re not alone. Around 25% of married men and 15% of married women admit to having an affair, and up to 70% of unmarried couples may face infidelity at some point.

The good news? Couples can stay together after an affair. When partners go to couples therapy, their odds of success are 60-75%. But talking about the affair over and over doesn’t always make the pain go away. Sometimes it just makes it louder.

So, can EMDR therapy help heal after infidelity? In many cases, yes. And it can help both partners.

Table of Contents Show

What Is EMDR Therapy?

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is an eight-phase therapy that takes the sting out of painful memories. You follow your therapist’s finger as it moves back and forth (or hold small buzzers that tap in each hand) while you think about the memory. Over time, the memory loses its grip, and you start to see it, and yourself, in a different light.

“Isn’t EMDR mostly for trauma?” you might ask. Well, infidelity IS trauma. Let’s find out more...

A woman turns away and raises her hand in frustration, holding a phone, while a man in the background appears upset, sitting on a bed with his head bowed, implying a fight after infidelity.

Trauma From Infidelity

Depression and anxiety are very common for the faithful partner following the discovery of the infidelity. As a matter of fact, over 45% of people who go through infidelity develop PTSD-like symptoms. Interestingly, the unfaithful partner may experience difficult emotions, too. Guilt, shame, and self-loathing are common. Processing these feelings will make them better equipped to help their partner through the stress of healing.

The hurt partner could be experiencing shock at their partner’s actions as well as feeling manipulated and taken advantage of. Everything gets questioned, like where their partner was at certain times and if anyone else knew about the infidelity. Even if things are going well, the person keeps waiting for yet another betrayal.

The Effects on the Faithful Partner

Hypervigilance

The faithful partner may be in a near-constant state of vigilance, paying attention to every micro expression, every new outfit, every change in tone of voice – anything that indicates that their partner may have strayed again. They might be extra suspicious, interpreting even innocent behaviors with a never-before-seen jealousy. This behavior can make the situation worse because the unfaithful partner is bound to get defensive.

Hypervigilance also involves physical symptoms, like a raised heart rate, sweating, trouble breathing or nausea. These can happen when the faithful partner is reminded of the infidelity.

Intrusive Thoughts

Victims of affairs may be greatly affected by a constant stream of thoughts and images that describe and depict the affair, accurately or not. They can have nightmares and “daymares” where their imagination paints the worst possible picture of what might have happened. And they may have shaming thoughts of not being good enough or being unlovable. These intrusions are outside conscious control. You can imagine how painful it would be to have a constant reel of betrayal playing in your head!

Avoidance

Faithful partners are going to want to avoid any reminders of the affair, even if these things previously had a positive connotation. A person may not want to go to her favorite restaurant after finding out her wife took her “girlfriend” there. A person may also want to avoid a shared group of friends since the friends were there when his partner kissed another guy at the bar. This behavior usually leads to isolation and depression.

A woman sits on a couch looking over at a man beside her, who is focused on his phone and appears distracted or uninterested. The mood suggests tension and infidelity.

Healing From Infidelity

To address the symptoms of hypervigilance, intrusion, and avoidance, the betrayed partner must reach a place where memories of the affair – real or imaged – are no longer disturbing. This can be achieved through desensitization and reprocessing. Desensitization will minimize the intensity of emotions, and reprocessing will help develop a healthier view of self after trauma. EMDR therapy uses both of these methods to maximize the healing.

How EMDR Therapy Works

Your therapist will first help you develop some resources to help you cope with difficult emotions that may arise during EMDR. After some preparation, you will be ready for processing. First, you will focus on a troubling memory and how you see yourself in connection to that memory. For example, you may think you are not good enough for your partner if they cheated on you. You would then create a positive belief about yourself, such as “I am a person worthy of love.”

Then, you watch your therapist move their finger from side to side - or you may be holding “buzzers” that vibrate in one hand and then the other. You will be asked to notice the emotions and the physical sensations that occur while you process the memory. This procedure will keep going until the memory is no longer disturbing. Then, out goes the negative self-concept and in goes the positive belief, once again stimulated by eye movements.

A couple sits on a wicker bench outdoors, holding hands and smiling at each other. The woman wears a pink shirt; the man wears a beige sweater. They healed after using EMDR therapy for infidelity.

How EMDR Can Heal the Hurt Partner

The hypervigilance, avoidance, and intrusion can be greatly reduced with EMDR. The therapy will help you think more clearly than you did before. The memories are not erased, but how you think about them will change. Instead of asking your partners questions in an accusatory tone, you can ask the questions with a newfound confidence.

Your negative beliefs will no longer have a hold over you. You will feel worthy or love and affection and good enough for healthy, faithful relationships. if the affair affected your sense of safety, you will be back to feeling OK in your skin and in places where your partner may have been unfaithful. You will able to place the blame where it belongs - on your partner.

You will also be able to be calm when any triggers occur like sharing a bed with your partner or seeing them on their phone. Instead of wasting your energy imagining what the sex between your partner and their lover was like, you will be able to express your needs and have them met.

How EMDR Can Heal the One Who Cheated

If you cheated on your partner, you could feel ashamed of your actions and wish you could turn back time so your partner can trust you again. EMDR therapy can help you see the pain your partner is going through without wanting to run away or get defensive. If you want your partner to heal, you have to be prepared to hear their pain and take responsibility for what you did. EMDR can facilitate this process by reducing the distress you’re likely to feel when hearing your partner’s side of the story.

Two women smiling with their heads pressed together outdoors.

How EMDR for Infidelity Works

EMDR therapy for infidelity can be done individually or as a couple. Your therapist will guide you through the best option for your specific situation. If done as a couple, it is likely that the partners will have some individual sessions first, followed by a couples processing session when both are deemed ready. Your EMDR therapist will not be there to do couples therapy (unless specifically requested) but simply to help you process the trauma.

Needless to say, for any of this to work, the unfaithful partner must be willing to immediately stop the affair if it’s still ongoing. They must show genuine willingness and effort to right their wrongs. Sincere regret and authentic apologies are a part of healing. EMDR therapy can greatly improve the PTSD-like effects of infidelity, but it cannot compel the unfaithful partner to change their ways.

Hope After an Affair Is Real

Finding out about an affair can shake everything you thought you knew about your relationship, your partner, and yourself. The racing heart, the images on repeat, the urge to check their phone... those aren’t signs that you’re weak. They’re signs of trauma. And trauma can heal.

EMDR therapy won’t erase what happened. It also can’t make your partner change. But it can calm the alarm bells in your body, quiet the movie playing in your head, and help you believe you are worthy of love again. If you’re the one who cheated, it can help you stay present for your partner’s pain instead of shutting down or getting defensive. From there, you get to decide what comes next with a clear head, whether that means rebuilding together or moving forward on your own.

You don’t have to figure this out alone. I offer EMDR therapy for affair recovery for individuals and couples, in person in Broomfield, CO, and through telehealth anywhere in Colorado. If you’re ready to stop reliving the betrayal and start healing, schedule a free 15-minute consultation with me. We’ll talk about what you’re going through and whether EMDR is a good fit for you.

A bride and groom in white embrace on a wooden walkway, with the bride holding a dried flower bouquet.

Frequently Asked Questions about EMDR for Infidelity Recovery

How long does EMDR therapy for infidelity take?

It depends on you, your history, and how deep the betrayal cut. Some people feel real relief within a few months of processing. Others need more time, especially if the affair stirred up older wounds, like a parent who cheated or a past partner who lied. The first few sessions focus on building coping tools so you feel steady before you start processing. We don’t rush that part. Feeling safe comes first.

Will EMDR make me forget the affair?

No. EMDR doesn’t erase memories. You’ll still know what happened. The difference is how it feels when you think about it. Instead of a gut punch, the memory becomes something that happened in the past, not something that keeps happening to you. Many clients describe it as the memory “moving farther away.” You can remember without reliving.

Does my partner have to do EMDR too?

Not at all. You can do EMDR on your own, and it can still make a big difference in how you feel. If both partners are open to it, each person usually starts with individual sessions. When you’re both ready, a joint session can help you process the betrayal side by side. Your partner’s willingness to heal helps, but your healing doesn’t depend on them.

Can EMDR help if I’m the one who cheated?

Yes. Many people who cheat carry a heavy load of guilt and shame. That shame can make you shut down, get defensive, or want to change the subject every time your partner brings up the affair. EMDR can calm that reaction so you can actually hear your partner’s pain and take responsibility. It can also help you understand what led you to cheat in the first place, so it doesn’t happen again.

What if we decide to break up? Is EMDR still worth it?

Absolutely. EMDR isn’t about saving the relationship. It’s about healing you. An affair can leave you doubting your judgment, your worth, and your ability to trust anyone again. Those wounds can follow you into your next relationship if they don’t get addressed. Whether you stay or go, EMDR can help you walk forward feeling more like yourself.