Relationships And Childhood Trauma: How To Cope Together
Is it hard for you to connect with your partner because of all of the emotional trauma they carry? And as a person of trauma, do you resent your partner for not going through what you have?
Survivors of childhood trauma want to be in a healthy and loving relationship as much as anyone else does. Unfortunately, memories of your traumatic past can interfere with the relationship. Without feeling loved as a child, this can make it hard to convey love to your non-traumatized partner.
Your non-traumatized partner, on the other hand, could be going through their own challenges with you. They could be feeling personally attacked and confused if they are always receiving anger from their traumatized partner. Once you talk to your non-traumatized partner about your past, you can establish a deep understanding and cope together.
Understanding Your Traumatized Partner’s Actions
Even though physical, emotional, or sexual trauma occurred in the past, trauma can still interfere in today’s relationships. You may be noticing startling behavior from your traumatized partner that is hard for you to understand such as-
Experiencing depression
Compulsive behaviors to regulate emotions
Persistent self-doubt
Have flashbacks or panic attacks
Have suicidal thoughts
Survivors often feel that no one can really be trusted, intimacy is dangerous, and a loving attachment is impossible. Many do not feel good enough, truly loved, or too flawed for anyone. In order to better cope with their feelings, they will tell themselves, “Do not trust anyone, it is not safe!” It is important to remember that you are not being blamed for how you love your traumatized partner. All of these behaviors they are exhibiting are just survival techniques that have stayed with them.
It's also important to understand hypervigilance. This is a state of constant alertness, a perpetual watch for things to go wrong. People who grow up with trauma may have had to carefully read other people’s expressions or look out for their siblings to avoid danger. Your traumatized partner likely has more adrenaline in their system than you at any given point in time. Try your best to view their reactions and behavior through that lens.
A Secure Attachment
Another thing you should understand about your traumatized partner is that they did not have the attachment style you had growing up. When a baby needs something, their caregiver recognizes that need and follows through with it. Without this secure attachment style, the baby can end up as a distressed and helpless adult who is either too preoccupied with relationships or avoids them altogether.
When breaks in the attachment style come off as threatening, the traumatized child finds it difficult to attach to anyone. Behaviors like being very clingy, too independent, angry, or withdrawn are a response to their trauma. Even if you are showing affection to your traumatized partner, their brain is telling them no one will really look out for them. The best thing you can do is be emotionally available to your traumatized partner and continue to be present while setting gentle but firm emotional boundaries.
Trauma Treatment Phases
In order to provide support and encourage therapy when needed, you can learn about the treatment phases of trauma first. This is what your partner would go through in therapy if they choose to use it.
Stabilization
This stage is about re-establishing your traumatized partner’s basic need for trust and safety. It involves learning coping and self-regulation skills to deal with the emotional impact of traumatic memories.
Processing
The second stage is where your traumatized partner shares their history of traumatic events to get their stolen trust back. Feelings and emotions come into the story they told. This stage often requires specialized therapy, like EMDR or internal family systems.
Reconnection
The third stage is where your traumatized partner uses their time and energy to take care of themselves and rebuild socially. Their traumatic past stays in the past and they can move forward to healthier relationships.
For the Traumatized Partner
Understanding needs to occur not just for your non-traumatized partner, but for you as well. We cannot help our upbringing. There is no need to resent your non-traumatized partner having the love you did not have growing up. Closeness will come as a result of communication about your feelings and how you would like to be helped.
Try to focus on your strengths in the present: you now have a partner, a faithful companion on your journey to heal from trauma. Their secure attachment style is the best remedy if you happen to have an insecure attachment style after growing up in chaos. Their support is yours for the taking. You finally have someone on your side.
Lastly, if you choose to pursue therapy, consider including your partner in it. Processing trauma with your loved one by your side can be less distressing and telling your story to your partner is likely to bring you closer together. It can be scary to open up in that way, but sharing the weight of the past with someone who cares for you can be incredibly liberating.
***
Couples therapy and trauma therapy can provide you both with the tools you need to build a stronger connection. Feel free to contact us today for your free consultation.
